In a blah rut

I just can't shake the feeling I have. I am having a serious case of the blahs. The blah has crept in with periods of happy, just like the sun in my part of the world. It's funny you know, I've been doing a yoga challenge that I thought would make me all calm and zen and jubilant about life, but I think all the reflection time I've had at yoga has just increased the blah. I have been feeling like I've been swimming upstream and spinning my wheels. Trying so hard and getting no where. There are so many 'if onlys' right now. If only I had a day to myself to get the house REALLY cleaned up. If only my toddler wouldn't undo everything I do get done in a day. If only I could get myself on some kind of a cleaning schedule. If only the basement renovation was done. If only the garage was organized.

If only my fairy godmother would come and wave her wand.

Well. We all know that's just not going to happen now is it.

I have so many things that I want and need to get done that I'm overwhelmed, and the sense of blah has taken over. I am having a hard time asking for help because the one person I have asked for help from (repeatedly) seems to let me down at every turn leaving me broken down. I have said hurtful things to said person, and sadly the things I have said I do mean. I wish I could say that I don't mean them, but I truly do.

Being stuck in blahood makes me mourn my past happy town. How I would love to get back to that happy town. I have created a life for myself that I so desperately wanted, yet now that I'm here it's not all cracked up to be the perfect life. Now I'm no idiot and I know that life isn't perfect, but it should at least be satisfying shouldn't it? It should at least leave some kind of a smile on your face instead of increasing the wrinkles.

It can't all be up to me to get there. I am in charge of my own happiness, I know that, but when in a partnership it takes two.

On a happy note, the husband is coming home a tad early to BBQ. I picked up some coconut curry steak and can't wait to try it. This will put a smile on my face today!